It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the best of times. When I walked through the halls of high school that first year, I suddenly felt like I was so much more mature. There was nothing in life to worry about and as far as I knew nothing could harm me. My 4HCND girls never failed to make me laugh and in my opinion we were inseparable. I remember nights of dressing up and going out and nights of endless conversations about the boys who captured our attention. I had a boyfriend who I thought adored me and friends whom I adored. March brought with it the opportunity to play at state for basketball as a freshman and I felt on top of the world; my hard work had actually paid off. Through going to the LA Dream Center, I developed friendships with people who greatly impacted my life and my eyes were opened to the importance of my relationship with Christ. I had an innocence that I wasn’t going to let anybody or anything take away from me. In my opinion life was pretty great.

It was the worst of times. As a simple freshman, I was inferior and in no way superior. The friends that I loved were wonderful, but schoolwork saturated my time to the point where I didn’t get the time that I wanted with friends. I had to adjust to the changes that moving from middle school to high school brought with it. But other than that, no problems really came my way.

It was the best of times. Sophomore year also brought with it a love for life and a love for the people around me. Although classes separated the 4HCND girls, we still found the time to hang out and only laugh more. As a first-year track runner, I got the opportunity to go to state with my relay team and place. Volleyball also brought with it it’s own set of memories and the opportunity to develop relationships with girls who I still greatly admire. Not only that, but Interscession in the Spring allowed me to go to Children’s Hospital and develop a love for something that has become the direction for my future. In my opinion life was pretty good.

It was the worst of times. I didn’t get to see my 4HCND girls as much as I would have liked to and we were slightly becoming separated. School had really become something to dread and it swallowed up all of my time. While this part of my life sucked, the issues that came with basketball that year really set the tone. With a new coach, I quickly went from being a freshman starter to a sophomore bench-sitter. While the lack of playing time upset me, it was the emotional effect of the season that really hurt. When he told me that I was practically “worthless” I suddenly found myself starting to believe that. Although I had my share of problems, life definitely could have been worse.

It was the best of times. I was finally half-way through my time in high school and no longer considered an underclassman. I had challenging classes, but with a challenge often times comes the eventual feeling of success. I once again was able to place at state for track and also had the chance to go to the Dominican Republic and vividly see the joy of Christ in the lives and faces of the little kids. In my opinion, life was simply alright

It was the worst of times. During junior year I found myself constantly stressed out with the pressure of school and keeping my 4.0, and I often times found myself in tears late at night as this pressure became too much to bear. On top of that, my friendships completely fell apart and 4HCND was nothing more than a distant memory. I didn’t even know those girls anymore, nor did they know me. I was pretty much on my own and had no one to really confide in or have “girl talks” with anymore. It sucked, it really did. As if all of that wasn’t enough, I was struck with the devastation of losing Zachary in May. It was as if God recognized that I was already feeling really overwhelmed and letdown and decided to pile even more weight onto my shoulders to see if I could handle it. Life was genuinely horrible. I hated it. Every effort I made to be happy was constantly being swept away in horrible circumstances. I lost who I was. I lost who God was. I lost who I was in terms of my relationship with Christ. Problems were all that I knew, and I didn’t know what to do anymore about them.

It is the best of times. Over a year later, I still have the boyfriend that I adore. I am finally in my last year of high school and can look forward to college and “life after high school.” In my opinion life is just what it is.

It is the worst of times. I feel no direction for my life and have no idea where God will take me. As a result, I have done way more applications than necessary and eight of the nine will eventually go to waste. I also now feel the need to fill out scholarships, but I have no guarantee that I will even be awarded them. So in essence, I feel as though I am wasting my time for something that I feel no direction for. Not only am I constantly plagued with the work of college, but I am also constantly thinking about the emotional and social aspects that will accompany college. I am extremely afraid and sad for what will become of my relationships with people, both Derek and other friends. I genuinely hate the topic of college. I am afraid that friendships are slowly going to diminish and that my favorite girls are going to become completely different people. I also worry about my relationship with Derek; what will become of it and if it will even last. I feel like I can look at the road before me and do nothing but see through eyes of uncertainty. I feel like suddenly my life is moving in fast forward when I want to do nothing but push rewind. I feel like my innocence that I once knew has been completely lost and I so desperately want it back. I thought senior year was supposed to be the best, what happened to that? Problems seem to go hand-in-hand with life now.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. As I look back on my years in high school I see a unique pattern: the older I get the harder life seems to get. Yet with this growing up comes the ability to mature. And with maturity comes the ability to grow. I can look at the increasing “worst of times” with anticipation, knowing that they are nothing more than an opportunity to grow and mature. Life really is what I make it. I can look at life and see nothing more than black and white, or I can look at the “black” and get excited, knowing that it will help me progress towards the person that I long to be.

Photo Journal Walk!

I took a walk today in hopes of getting the opportunity to take a deep breathe and relax. However, as I took the time to reflect on this past year and what will be of the year that lies ahead, I was filled with a whole set of emotions that I hadn’t anticipated; feelings of excitement, fear, sadness, anger, confusion, and anxiety. The future seems like nothing more than a big ball of confusion in which I can't really see what’s ahead.

Can't really see what's ahead...

I took a walk through the park that I’ve been to a million times growing up. I remember going almost every weekend with my daddy to ride my bike or swing on the swings. This park represented two distinct aspects of me that have and are going to change: innocence and dependence. I miss the innocence that I had as a little girl; unaware of the pain that life could cause and unaware of the ways in which I would change. I miss that the greatest issue in life was refusing to share my toys. I miss that as far as I knew everybody loved me and nobody was ever going to leave me. I miss that the greatest choices I had to make were what type of candy at the store I would pick, not which college to go to or the decisions that go along with being in a relationship. I miss it…immensely. And while my innocence isn’t gone completely, a big part of it is. I’m fully aware that pain often accompanies living in this world. That people, no matter how much you think they may support you and stick with you, cannot be depended upon and are free to leave you when they wish. But more than anything, I was reminded of the pain I felt when we lost Zachary. I looked around at the park, wanting so badly to have the opportunity to bring Zachary there and push him on the swings or run around with him in the grass, but that won’t ever happen. In May when we lost him, my perspective on the world suddenly changed; my eyes were opened and my guard went up, because I became aware that pain, while necessary to grow, can also tear you down. And at the same time, at the park I was made aware of how dependent I have become on my family, and how I must learn soon to be my own person and make decisions for myself. College and the road ahead is definitely something that scares me, but at the same time I’m excited for it. I’ve lived in my sheltered world and I feel as though it has inhibited me from truly finding who I am. In the next year though, I feel like I can figure out a little bit more of who I am and who I want to be. I will have to learn to be independent and I will be faced with situations in which my innocence will be tested. Difficult decisions will inevitably come my way as my journey in high school ends and a new one begins, and it would be ignorant of me to say that I won’t be. I am confident, though, that I know enough about who I am that I won’t compromise that. It won’t be easy though, and that’s something I’m fully aware of.

The swings at the park...

Another thing struck me as I walked through my neighborhood: it’s all so familiar to me. I’ve walked the paths I went on a thousand times; I’ve walked that sidewalk to my house a thousand more. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like change at all. It terrifies me. It means being put out of my comfort zone and inserting myself into situations that are unfamiliar to me. When I go off to college, nothing will be familiar to me. I won’t automatically have the close friends to ask advice of. I won’t have my parents to run to if I’m frustrated or confused. I won’t even be familiar with the setting in which my college is. Everything will change. No longer will I have a boyfriend 10 minutes away that I will get to see every morning when I wake up for school. No longer will I have my closest group of friends all within half an hour of each other. No longer will I have the comfort of my bed every night when I go to sleep. While the unfamiliarity scares me, I think it will help me grow immensely. I need it desperately. I’ve always lived in familiar surroundings with familiar people. I need change.

The roads I've walked a thousand times...

Another thing that I really had the opportunity to think about is how the people who matter the most to me will change as we all separate. There’s one in particular that I’ve thought a lot about that probably scares me the most. It is almost certain that we will be hundreds of miles apart. It’ll take a lot of prayer and a lot of trust, but I think that if it’s meant to be it will work out. Aside from that one though, I worry about the girls who mean a lot to me. Some I know will be just fine when college rolls around, but others I worry a great deal about. Some have no desire to mess around in college, others are excited to experiment. I fear for them, because they deserve more respect than they give themselves. It hurts to listen to them talk about their excitement for the negative aspects of college, because they’re better than that. I’m hoping that my friendships will continue through college and that those girls will not compromise who they are for the acceptance of those around them.

Choosing which road to take...

My walk was a necessary time to think through a lot of the things that have been bothering me but that I just haven’t taken the time to really think through. While the surroundings at times reminded me of different aspects of my life, more than anything the time alone is what I needed to do nothing but think. This past year has been filled with a lot of pain and opportunities to grow, and my prayer as I begin a new journey in my life in this next year I will find who I am, and that my confidence in who I am will come from my relationship with Christ and not from anything else.

The road before me...

It's finally 2010...

"To be or not to be..."

To care or not to care-that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for myself to quit
Working and killing myself for good grades,
Or to obtain the drive to strive to be
Valedictorian? To try; to quit;
No more--And by giving up I prevent
The immense fear and thousand watching eyes
That a speech comes with, 'tis a temptation
Devoutly to be wish'd; to try; to quit;
To quit; perchance to relax: ay, there's the hitch;
For in quitting what money may be lost
From schools less impressed by no 4.0
Must consider; there's the stupid reason
That keeps me pushing myself constantly;
For who would want the increase of coll'ge debt,
That dumb money, the deciding factor,
Of sleepless nights, of tears innumerous,
Of the dreaded speech and unbear'ble stress
That comes with class Valedictorian,
Is it worth it? Who would really fancy,
To cry and stress throughout all of high school
But the fear of an unknown sum of debt,
For failure to impress the colleges
Without a 4.0, pushes my will
And makes me endure the obstacles
For fear of what may be of college otherwise?
Thus school makes us irrational beings;
And so our constant stress and flowing tears
Are interrupted with thoughts of the future,
And desires to give up and not care
With this regard are thrown to the curbside,
And we force ourselves to continue trying.

Beowulf-Personal Reflection.

“You’re equipped to fight” my mind tells me
“The object before you is yours.”
So I pick up my weapons and put on my armor
and hesitantly walk through the doors.

I reflect upon my life thus far
and a feeling of fear surges through.
The things I have fought for have been stripped away,
so what am I to really do?

I look straight ahead and pause for a moment
to see a Grendel far greater than I.
So I turn around and insecurely walk away
and look back at my failure and sigh.

What is it that keeps me from fighting
for the things that I truly treasure?
Is it fear of letdown or the concrete mindset
that there will always be someone better?

Or is there Something missing in my approach to battle
that will give me the victory I long for?
Are my insecurities and failure to win
a way of revealing that I need Someone greater?

My life will be only missed opportunities
if I depend upon my own strength.
So I must pick up my weapons and put on my true Armor

and confidently fight the battles at length!